Tread softly for you are treading on... your own dreams

Two posts in one day! Its like a dream come true...
Haha, just kidding. True bloggers will post regularly. I can only do what I can I suppose, but that is what this post is all about, as you will see.
My dear mother has caught the vision of another artist, caught it like a fever and is spreading that vision around as often as possible. Like she always does. I'm sorry if that sounds bad but its true, mom, you do like to crusade but I don't want anyone to think that I am making fun. Her passion and the passion of those she admires is something to be shared for sure. Which is also what this post is about. Maybe I will get to my point instead of wasting all these lines "telling you what I am about to tell you".
Talking with Tesla is a visionary book about a local artist who, in his dreams, makes the acquaintance and later deep relationship with the less-famous-than-he-should-be-inventor and scientist, Nichola Tesla. Its real. Its touching. Its even profound and possibly earth moving. Its really hard for me to get through. Sorry Nichola. Sorry Alex. Sorry to everyone who knows the passion and importance of this vision being taught here in the book. Maybe I'm too eclectic... in an ADD kind of way. I like so many things but not all at once. I can't seem to stomach t.v. right now. I'm not in the mood for my usual video game to calm me. And I certainly can't sit through Talking with Tesla tonight. Maybe try again next night? I hate when I get like this; as if nothing can please me and I feel wound up and irritated. Until I find something to soothe me or I "just choose something" and go with it until the feeling goes away. That's self-medication for those who like to take their lives into their own hands, folks.
The point I wanted to make that is taking so darn long to get to is this! *sheesh*
Alex pointed out a very key factor in artists that I picked up in a random page of his books. DOUBT. For me, I am speaking of doubt that comes from us artists. "This is all wrong!" "I am not good enough." "Nobody likes/understands my art, why should I even try?"
People who are familiar with the book will know this part: where Nichola shows Alex a room, in his dream, full of art that would be devoured by society as some of the best and most beloved "long lost works of art". I didn't read the whole sequence, but famous artists and people who very well could have been great had these works that would have been revered and cherished by all the world (or those who could appreciate what they were looking at anyway) but they were locked away in this room, never to leave and never to be talked about or appreciated by anyone. Alex replied, aghast, that it was a sin and a crime that they should never be known and Nichola told him that they were locked in that room by the artists themselves. How can this be? Isn't it true that the very artist who painted it wouldn't simply turn around and throw a masterpiece under lock and key to be kept in the dark forever?
Well, the only person who could obliterate priceless art from the world, more surely than the vengeful fires of the Nazi's when they burned literature, is only the artists themselves when they lock away the light that is inside. When we allow ourselves to be consumed by doubt and the ugly thoughts that surround doubt, we lock away something most vital and we encourage it to die. Because its too painful to try. Because we might fail. Because it might not be good enough or it might not turn out how we thought it would. A most precious gift is suddenly turned into the poison of self-doubt and fear becomes all-consuming. Our lives become lulled. That is death, folks, make no mistake. People who do that to themselves have become the walking dead and they kill their own dreams more surely than the world ever could.
As an artist, it feels like a constant drug. Use it to guilt others into pitying you or into liking your work. Use it to justify to yourself not trying. Its disgusting and I don't even want to talk about it anymore. Its a poison that kills us from inside, stronger than the devil's own power, and its a poison that numbs us into believing that it is ok to live this way- then, into believing that there is no problem even to be ok with. Its just life. Why argue? Nobody even bothers to argue anymore.
I will admit, out of fact, that I am not a great artist. Its just a fact that I do not practice like I should and I do not apply the techniques that I know to the work I do because I am sometimes lazy. And then when I do a good job, I want plenty of praise to validate what I've done, plenty of it because if I don't get enough even a good job is suddenly worthless. But those things aside, I do know who I am and I refuse to die inside. Its really really hard to put yourself out there as an artist and to say "Here I am! This is what I do, its how good I am." Its hard to show people just what you're made of and to look back without excuse, especially when its not "very good" art. You have to really love yourself in order to be able to do that. To even keep making art everyday-and even if no one else saw it-to keep on loving yourself even when you've become deeply disappointed in the result. "This is the best I can do?" we say to ourselves in despair. "That is the best you've got?" we fear the words from others. We fear this so much that we forget that self-progress is slow and hard to grasp. That is why God is perfect. He can watch us, moving so slow, sometimes purposefully ruining our own lives with selfish acts. And he still loves us- not just loves us, but with a perfect, unadulterated love. He believes in us because he knows we can do it- do ALL of it, that we ever dreamed of and more; but only if we believed in ourselves even half as much.
My own self-doubt as an artist eats away at me relentlessly, even when I'm not "acting" as an artist or when people don't know I love art and try to portray life through my weak drawings. Self-doubt is buried so deep in my bones that my dreams as an artist and my love for myself doesn't even have a chance! It bleeds me out every day and then it bleeds twice as hard whenever a friend or my husband looks into my eyes and says that they believe in me and that they think I am great. It hurts worse than anything when they say that because I don't believe it. Because I let self-doubt take over my dreams... well, I don't even give them over to self-doubt. I take them myself, with my two hands and I lock them in that same prison as those other artists and when I turn the key, self-doubt turns to me like an old friend and says "That's right. Everything's fine now and you don't have to be afraid anymore. Lay those fateful dreams to rest because they will only hurt you when they fail. As we both know they will. But I won't fail you because I am strong." And its true. My dreams might fail. And self-doubt will never fail because it is strong and that strength is fed by the power we could have given our dreams. It becomes a black hole and it sucks the life out of us until we are dead, just like I said before.
How do we fight this disease? Its just like the disease where our own immune system that is supposed to protect us starts attacking our own blood cells instead, slowly killing us. I think I would prefer that kind of death and that's a terrible thing to say. I just want you to understand what it is we are talking about. The body can suffer and that is one thing, but its also a temporary thing. When the spirit suffers it can go on, and it can resist healing on every level, and it drags the body down to an early grave. And then when we die, our spirit goes on (energy can never be destroyed, only changed) and in this new life it will continue to suffer and to suck all the life around it. This is how the darkest of evil and the most powerful too, is created. It comes from light and from power, and if that being of light allows themselves to lock away their dreams and become this black hole that never heals but only hides from the pain, they become the very devil that we fear is trying to tear our world apart.
And so we see, every evil in this world is because we allow evil within ourselves, and if it didn't start there it could be no where else. And since we allow this evil to be nurtured within ourselves, quietly at first, then numbly, then openly, we allow it to become nurtured everywhere that there could be light. That is why this world is so miserable, folks. Because we made it so and we continue this act everyday. Until we choose to heal ourselves and to love ourselves completely just like our loving Father and Mother in heaven do. When we let light in, darkness has no place to hide. In fact, it only stays when we want it to, when we secretly let it.
For the sake of everything good and for the sake of your own life! Cast self-doubt from your heart. That is what part of me is saying to the part that buys into the pain. In those moments when I let go and just feel love, I am no longer afraid because there is simply nothing to fear. Everything is love and its all around us. If only we'd let it be IN us too, always. Instead of wishing for more love but secretly harboring the pain of self-doubt.
Some people might read this and think that its a little off the deep end. That's ok. This isn't written for you. Its written for me. And for those who can hear the same call as me. Believe in yourself. If you do, I promise your life will be fuller, easier (in a way) and not so full of hidden pain that poisons so many of us. Find some way to anchor that light into your heart and don't be afraid to USE it to pull yourself out of self-doubt, depression or shame over who you are or what you can do.
So even if I can't get through another paragraph of Talking with Tesla, I think that it has spread the vision far enough in that one small message. And far enough is as far as me because its not my business if others "get it" or not. They choose to hear or not hear. What's good for me might not be for them. But I hope they find a way to learn the lesson of loving themselves. For me, at least I received a few levels of self-healing in this moment because I was able to acknowledge my darkness and bring it to light. Show it to others, but more importantly, show it to myself. If you never bring it into light, it can never go away. So here's a part of me saying, "I want to live!" and letting go of that dark shadow that weighs heavily on me as an artist and as a human being.
A quick side-note. I would like to explain why "self-doubt as an artist" is such an important subject here. "Why not just say Self-doubt as a human being instead?" Because "artist" isn't just a pretty picture some people make. Its a way of life. Alex explains it I think, well- my mom explained to me that Alex explained it like this: Being an artist is an entirely different way to look at the world. We simply do not see life, the universe, and everything the same as ANYbody else. The same can be said of other professions I guess, but I just wanted to point out that being an artist isn't a profession. Those who are truly artist are in their hearts children and heavenly spirits and nature and human life. I doubt there is any valid way to explain it because I feel I am failing miserably to get the point across. Who knows, maybe you have to be an artist to know just how different it is. Anyway, so I just wanted to address self-doubt as an artist because, to me, being an artist is being a part of life, its a special calling. And for that kind of light and passion to be experienced by one person and then have it be their job to express that passion and light to others... well, that requires a very special poison. And there's none better that I know of. Know it, know what it is that I am saying, so that in your own way you can guard against the complete void of not believing or not loving yourself. I mean, its worse than that isn't it? Its even as far as self-doubt.